The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
 

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
 

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
 

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
 

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people." 
 

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 
 

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey watch this." 
 

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 
 

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 
 

Your junior prom had a day-care. 
 

You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines." 
 

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels. 
 

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it. 
 

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 
 

One of your kids was born on a pool table. 
 

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 
 

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it
 

You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk. 
 

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. 
 

Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs