Black holes are where God divided by zero.

 Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
 something.

 Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

 Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

 Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

 I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

 Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

 Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

 What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

 No one is listening until you make a mistake.

 Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

 The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

 The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
 research.

 Two wrongs are only the beginning.

 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
 before.

 If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

 Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

 Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

 Half the people you know are below average.

 A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.